Oh my... Whither goest thou, Royalty?

I love royal weddings. Why? Frankly, mainly because of the stylish dresses. Because of the formality. But then, I am a monarchist at heart. Basically, I trust God more to give the right child to a monarch than I trust people to elect the right head of state. I like to see a country and a people represented in a dignified manner, too.

I hate royal weddings. Why? Because none of the above seems to apply anymore.

Victoria of Sweden is not classically beautiful, but to call her pretty would be an insult to her striking looks. She comes across as a very dear and, yes, special girl as well and her obvious devotion to her husband is touching. I wish her all the luck and happiness in the world, but I think her choice in a wedding dress is doubtlessly superior to that of a husband. But what do I know. I may be wrong. Indeed, I hope that I AM wrong.

What is it, that makes the guy look so incongruous? He is dressed alright, he is not ugly, he comes across as nice. Yet this is a weird picture. It could be headed: "Future Queen of Sweden Marries Gigolo from the Fish'n Chips Shop". What is wrong? The hair? The sideburns? The glasses?

It was a mistake to suck up to the feminist zeitgeist and make a woman heir to the throne when Victoria was born. She comes across as down-to-earth and stable as a woman can possibly be, but it is a simple fact that women, if they are not of the totally off-the-wall maniacally self-centered sort, like, say, the deceased Queen of Hearts who Di-ed for our sins, are naturally better suited to the one-step-behind-the-spouse role, as was impressivelly proven by the mother of the bride.

Queen Silvia of Sweden née Sommerlath -- absolutely picture perfect as the mother of a bride who is the heir to the throne of Sweden. The (as we would say in German "old rose") colour is lovely, cut and fabric perfect and the jewellery simply gorgeous. She is, at 66, still a beautiful woman; maybe she's a tad too painfully "well preserved".

Sad to say, her second daughter got it all wrong and looks as if they'd gotten a style adviser for her from the former GDR for the wedding together with the chocolate truffles. With the awful dress, baby blue, ruching and all, not to speak of the skunk stripes in her hair and the tanning-salon complexion, she looks exactly like the post-communist young women here in East Germany, because one of the many things Communism destroyed is good taste. However, why a daughter of the King of Sweden would want to look like that (and why they let her get away with it) is beyond me. I guess we can be thankful for small mercies and that her brother didn't sport an earring and a basecap backwards to match his sister's outfit.

The order of the rest of ghost train parade is more or less arbitrary.

The Queen of Spain's dress ist just like its wearer, unobtrusive, dignified and goodlooking. However, who ever clad her daughter in that ... thing with tassels ought to be banned to the colonies. Everything to look "ethnic", I guess.

This is the fat, pink and blonde heir to the throne of Holland together with his Michelin Man in a condom wife. How two generations of extraordinarily goodlooking German husbands could remain unable to improve the looks of that brood, how a Claus von Amsberg was able to father THAT, is beyond me.

They are cheap, too. The fabric for the condom must have come from a discarded sofa.

Well, what can one say... More Dutch.

And even more Dutch.

Glossy magazine scum. Ugly, too.

To be honest, if they'd rigged Mom with a different hairdo and different glasses and Dad with a better haircut, MoG and FoG (pun NOT intended) would have looked better than most of the nobility present. (WHAT is it, that makes the hair of those lower middleclass men look all wrong?)

Nice, pleasant, well turned out, conventional, boring people -- as it ought to be.

This is Princess Benedikte of Denmark, younger sister of the Queen of Denmark, Princess zu Sayn-Wittgenstein-Berleburg, with her husband the German Prince Richard zu Sayn-Wittgenstein-Berleburg. I have a hunch that she is wearing a dress in the colours of her birth nation's coat of arms, which would be ultra-formal. Princess Benedikte is actually a bit younger than Queen Silvia. That's old versus new aristocracy for you.

Here we have the heir to the throne of Norway with his wife, a former druggie and unwed mother, in the bedroom curtains. Everything not to appear classy!

This is the Queen of Denmark with her consort. Actually, it is so incredible that it defies belief. We have seen the Queen of England in similarly hideous outfits, but at least she is a pleasant looking, petite woman. This one struts her stuff like a cross between a Guard's officer and the Shrek. Hell, there must be acres of that green eyesore. And look at that fat husband in his peacock uniform! The hat! And he looks as debauched as only a Frenchman can, which is probably not his fault, but still... YUCK!

This is the heir to the throne of Spain with his wife. What a handsome couple! He is the image of his stately, gentlemanly father and the understated uniform becomes him very well. Send your uniform tailors to Denmark, please!

I'm not too keen on the colour of her dress (isn't it called "nude"?), neither on the fussy appliqués, but that woman would look good in a potato sack, so what the hell.

This is the heir to the throne of Belgium with his utterly lovely wife Mathilde. While the colour of the dress is beautiful, the cut is too fussy for my taste, but this woman radiates a warmth all the other women, the bride apart, are lacking. Her husband looks much better than he used to when they married more than ten years ago, which probably means that he is very happy.

This is Queen Rania of Jordan with her pug husband. She overslept and didn't have time to have her hair done in a manner apropos to the occasion. Her tiara is from wholesalecheapjewelry dot com, her sneering expression home made.

I think (and I may be wrong) that this sloppy, slutty hairdo, the notable lack of jewellery plus the understated dress, and -- for Heaven's sake! -- TEXTING at a royal wedding in front of the world's cameras, again with that smug, sneering expression, is a statement.

I may add to this should I find good photos.

Edited to add:

You won't believe this:

Honest to God, I didn't believe that anything could beat Queen Margarethe's Shrek costume, but Queen Sonja of Norway wins this hands down. Words fail me.

This is a Christmas cracker dressed up as the Queen of Holland. Dress sense prevails in that family.

And to end this on a positive note: Prince Alois of Liechtenstein and his wife Sophie, a Princess from the house of Wittelsbach, got it SO right. I wish she'd waived the silly looking little train, but what the hell! Other than that, they are perfect. Maybe endogamy helps, but whatever. Being young, royal AND dignified is possible.

Being old, royal and farcical, too.

By the way, after the death of her childless uncle Duke Francis of Bavaria and that of her father Prince Max Emanuel, she will be the Jacobite heir to the throne of England, Scotland, Ireland and France. My vote, you have, Sophie, for all it's worth!