We are lately, even more than usually and to an irritating extent, regaled with information about what "shocking", "weird" or even "bizarre" rules members of the Royal Family have to follow. (I have a hunch that is, to smooth down the countless gaffes of a recent female member of same family, but I may be wrong and, more importantly, that's not the point here. I may, however, use pictures of those gaffes.)
I'll leave out those rules that apply to the Royal Family only, such as, for example, who is allowed to wear a tiara, never to eat shellfish or how to curtsy, which aren't, by the way, "shocking", "weird" or "bizarre" either, but owed to tradition or common sense.
I have in the course of my humble research for this style blog never come across such blatant idiocy and make-up-your-shit-as-you-go-along-isms.
What are the reasons, or, more interesting, the intentions?
Well, there are several.
- To start with the simplest and most obvious one: Royalty is always good clickbait.
- Then, to cater for classism, social jealousy and envy. A society with relative peace between the classes isn't one where crappy media are all that much read.
- Thirdly, don't forget, dear reader, that this abominable drivel is almost exclusively written and lapped up by women. Dress (and it IS mostly about dress) isn't just a matter of outward appearance. It's attitude towards life, expression of one's personality, of how one wants to be perceived. Slut-media WANT women to be down, low, undemanding of the higher things, undignified, tasteless, undiscerning, fatuitous, footling and foolish. The same applies to manners generally.
- Lastly, to chop down the tree of the Royal Family as a role model for virtue and style.
But let's get in medias res:
How to Sit
How to sit is an important and much discussed topic. Female members of the Royal Family are not supposed to cross their legs at the knees, at least so we are informed.
However, that is exactly what every well brought-up woman and girl ought to and will do in public. Nobody wants to look at your private parts. It's not just a matter of decency, but of aesthetics as well.
After all, very few female thighs stand up to time and gravity.
And to ram home my point, here we have Mme Macron in her mid-sixties, paragon of feminist virtues, style icon, paradigm for the mature woman of the future and wearer of the worst wigs in the history of fashion at the funeral of Simone Veil, the grande dame of international politics.
How to Dress and Make Up
Most of those "rules" are just common sense coupled with a sense of what is dignified and simply good taste.
Cleavage at daytime is vulgar...
...a notion which the woman who were to become Prime Minister later, obviously didn't know or must have found shocking, weird and bizarre, as she sported hers in the House of Commons.
You get my point? Good!
The same applies to garish nail polish royal women are shockingly and bizarrely not allowed to use.
Hats - again simply a matter of good taste. They are generally worn in polite society for specific occasions and at specific times of day, not just by Royals.
Excursus: How a woman wears a hat is another great class marker:
It is not - repeat NOT - worn like shown in this picture (taken during Her Majesty the Queen's state visit to Germany in 2015) by the then Bundespräsident's Madame Pompadour, who was firmly and funnily put into place outside the red carpet, while the woman united with him in wedlock was serving cake in a Rostock café.
Never say Germans don't know their manners and are NOT great sticklers for style.
Excursus: How a woman wears a hat is another great class marker:
It is not - repeat NOT - worn like shown in this picture (taken during Her Majesty the Queen's state visit to Germany in 2015) by the then Bundespräsident's Madame Pompadour, who was firmly and funnily put into place outside the red carpet, while the woman united with him in wedlock was serving cake in a Rostock café.
Never say Germans don't know their manners and are NOT great sticklers for style.
Tights - another matter of decency and, considering most legs, aesthetics. Bare legs are for the beach.
Skirt length - exactly the same applies. Mini skirts are for teenagers - teenagers with a nice figure and good legs - at informal occasions.
Once you let your standards drop you'll end up like those women at Aintree "Ladies Day".
It's called "the slippery slope".
Care for another but different sartorial make-up-your-shit-as-you-go-along-ism? Well, here ist goes:
Allegedly, there is "a very strict rule regarding children’s clothes": pants can be worn by adults only, so the make-up-your-shit-as-you-go-along-brigade inform us.
Is there?
No, there isn't. Again it's a matter of class, not one of those shocking, weird and bizarre Royal rules. As etiquette expert William Hanson puts it: "Trousers are for older boys and men, whereas shorts on young boys is one of those silent class markers that we have in England. Although times are (slowly) changing, a pair of trousers on a young boy is considered quite middle class–quite suburban. And no self-respecting aristo or royal would want to be considered suburban."
Got it?
Should you still haven't twigged it by now, just imagine this adorable little fellow in jeans. It will help.
No Public Display of Affection
Again a matter of good taste and manners.
When I was young, you'd be ticked off by the landlord for a little peck on the cheek in a pub, and that in a university town. Now we are one short step away from fornicating in the streets. Slippery slope anybody?
Why no PDA? As usual with manners it's how others feel about it and it may make others feel uncomfortable. It's maudlin, juvenile and tacky. Is the urge to show your affection really so pressing that you can't wait until you are safely within your own four walls and behind closed doors? You can't? You can, believe me.
For royalty even increased formality is called for. The thing about being royal is that it is a job, a job that demands a level of propriety increasingly uncommon today. Royals aren’t famous for being famous, they are not - repeat NOT - "celebrities". Their job is to support the monarch who, as the Royal Family’s website states, "acts as a focus for national identity, unity and pride; gives a sense of stability and continuity; officially recognizes success and excellence; and supports the ideal of voluntary service." In the monarch, you respect the British people, that's why those supporting roles require a high level of solemnity - part of the monarchy’s survival mechanism and meaning.
I'm not British, but If I were I'd rather be represented by that than by...
...a bally octopus.
However, embarrassment is not limited to the British Royal Family or to royals generally. Again, the mid-sixty-ish Mme Macron representing la Grande Nation, 24 years older than her husband, paragon of feminist virtues, style icon, paradigm for the mature woman of the future and wearer of the worst wigs in the history of fashion will help me again to stress my point even further.
Compared to her, even the Duchess of Sussex comes across as personable, unostentatious, well dressed, youthfully glowing, dignified and - above all - goodlooking in high heels, and THAT is really something. There is always room below.
Enter the Room in Order
How shockingly bizarre! By the way, last time I checked it was the same with "ordinary people", at least "ordinary people" who still know their manners. For the etiquettewise challenged: old precedes young, female precedes male. Simple, isn't it?
There is nothing like a hierarchy-free society.
There is nothing like a hierarchy-free society.
Hold Teacups Properly
Please tell me they don't mean that seriously. There are countless videos on YouTube which explain just that. Here's one from my trusted etiquette expert and I doubt that he (and all the others) made them to teach etiquette to the Royals.
Table Manners
To summarize: Hold "utensils" (i.e. cutlery or silverware) in the correct hands, leave the table, if necessary, without a fuss, fold napkins in half. (I suspect we can be grateful, that they didn't say "serviettes".)
Again, we are shocked by the bizarreness of those rules. When I was five, my mother, who came from a working class family, had told me how to eat artichokes, not to speak of all the other weird rules outlined here. And I remember fondly how my ex-husband, who was in the unspeakably irritating habit to tell the world what he was going to do when he left the table, was stridently ticked off by his middleclass father.
Dinner parties are heavily orchestrated–and involve tons of protocol.
Seating at a royal dinner party is planned to a tee, and the Queen subtly schedules her conversations with the guests at her side–she spends her time speaking to the person on her right for the first course, and then engages in conversation with the guest on her left for the second.
Also, if royals need to step away from the table before they've finished their meal, it's expected that they cross their utensils, so that the staff doesn't remove their plate. If they're finished, the utensils are placed side by side at an angle with the handles facing the bottom right of the plate.
Oh oh! How oppressive and unbearable to remember what to do with all those fancy "utensils"! (Just another thing my mother - that's the one with the working class background - had taught me when I was five. But she wouldn't have called them "utensils" had her native language been English.)
Just a little anecdote about the "heavily orchestrated" bit. Before every dinner party, my very upperclassical friends (the age of my parents) used to brief me about the background of the other guests and what topics to avoid, something that was neither shocking, nor weird, nor bizarre, but served the purpose NOT TO HURT, which is the essence and the meaning of good manners.
How to Shake Hands
Royals are expected to maintain strong eye contact throughout the duration of a handshake, and stick to two shakes maximum, to avoid touching commoners for too long or appearing to give preferential treatment to one handshake over another.
Everybody ought to follow those rules, and never mind whether you are shaking hands with Royalty or rabble. This is so daft, I must have gotten it from an American website.
Descend Stairs Gracefully
Chin placement is key. Royal women are instructed to always stand and walk down stairs with their chins parallel to the ground. When walking down stairs, their hands must always be at their sides as well.
Garlic Isn't Allowed In Buckingham Palace
Why? Simply because the Queen hates it.
Oh yeah? Again, this has something to do with manners and manners only. If Her Majesty "hates" something, it's breathing garlic into other people's faces and expects the same from the other members of her family. But I guess "consideration" isn't part of the make-up-your-shit-as-you-go-along-brigade's vocabulary, so they have to think of a different explanation, however moronic. "Simply" of course.
No Nicknames Allowed.
Royalty are expected to be addressed by their full, given names rather than nicknames given to them by their families.
Women Drink from the Same Spot of the Cup/Glass
How shocking, weird and bizarre! Funny, I'm doing that without ever having been told so since I first used lipstick, which was about 50 years ago, out of consideration for the host and the other guests. Lipstick stains are neither nice to watch nor easy to remove. How oh how did I become such a shockingly weird and bizarre freak of nature?
How shocking, weird and bizarre! Funny, I'm doing that without ever having been told so since I first used lipstick, which was about 50 years ago, out of consideration for the host and the other guests. Lipstick stains are neither nice to watch nor easy to remove. How oh how did I become such a shockingly weird and bizarre freak of nature?
Vocabulary
There are certain words that royals will never utter, and they all have more proper substitutes. A "toilet" is always referred to as a "lavatory;" interrupting a conversation always requires an apologetic "sorry" rather than an interjecting "pardon."
Couches are referred to as "sofas" and they are placed in "drawing rooms" or "sitting rooms" rather than "living rooms," "lounges" or "dens." Brits also call their parents by "mum' and 'dad," or "mummy and daddy" if they're feeling more affectionate. Also, someone's "perfume" is always referred to as their "scent," to make the smell sound more natural to the person.
Yes, those pesky Royals with their shocking rules!
This is so bottomless, impregnably, rock-bottom, intransigently and irredeemably dumb (and obviously American), that words fail me. Read my precious piece An Intact Sense for Class Distinction Helps to Keep the Language Precise and Beautiful instead.
This is so bottomless, impregnably, rock-bottom, intransigently and irredeemably dumb (and obviously American), that words fail me. Read my precious piece An Intact Sense for Class Distinction Helps to Keep the Language Precise and Beautiful instead.
That is all for now.
